In line with my public service remit, and to be helpful, I've made a list of things to consider, in no particular order, when renting a room in a guesthouse or hotel in South-East Asia based on my recent experiences.
These are the questions I always ask myself before uttering the magic words, 'I'll take it.' Perhaps you would like to consider them too the next time you go away?
concerning the prospective room...
1. When first inspecting the room, is there anything moving apart from the ceiling fan? (Look particularly on the floor).
2. In the bathroom, if there is one, what colour is the water when you turn on the taps? If brown you may want to keep looking. Is there a complimentary off-white stale towel by the shower with which to dry yourself?
3. Is there a television? If so, does it have mad local channels you can watch?
4. Does the bed have sheets, and what colour are they? Is this what colour they were originally?
5. Does the room cost the equivalent of a pint of beer in the UK, or, preferrably, less? If not walk away classing the establishment as 'needlessly extravagant.'
concerning the hotel premises...
6. Hotel layout. How irrational is the hotel? The more irrational the better. This adds character. Weird room arrangements, eclectic pictures on the walls, posters and signs containing badly worded English, are all plus points.
7. Is there a hotel laundry service able to wash, and return, your clothes, in much the same condition as you submitted them, within twenty four hours? If so don't knock it. It's the best you'll get.
8. Does the hotel sign say either 'English owned' or 'Aussie owned' underneath? If so do not proceed. This is a deal breaker. They might as well call themselves 'Xenophobe Guesthouse.'
9. Does the hotel have a collection of books in the foyer containing popular titles in French, German and Russian, but not English. If so, again don't knock it. It's the best you''ll get.
concerning hotel 'people'...
10. Hotel clientele. Do they have dreadlocks? Are they wearing items of clothing which make reference to Bob Marley even though they are white and middleclass? Do they have a guitar? If so do not proceed.
11. Is the entrance of the hotel camped out with taxi drivers waiting to pounce on guests? This can be a good and bad thing, but something to consider.
12. Are the owners and employees as mad a box of frogs? If so, good. More character. The Chada Guesthouse scored highly on this one for me thanks to their certifiable cleaning lady.
13. Are fifteen Cambodian women in mini-skirts and boob tubes sitting in the hotel foyer at all times? If so do not proceed - this is not, repeat not, a hotel.
concerning the local area...
14. Local amenities. How far away is the nearest available Mars bar? How much does it cost?
15. How cheap are the local internet cafes? Will they make out you've asked them to undertake a task akin to disposing of a dead body if you ask politely to upload a few photographs from your digital camera?
16. And finally, most important for the end of the day, where's the nearest draft Angkor beer and bar stool? Again, if there are fifteen women in mini-skirts and boob tubes sitting in the bar at all times do not proceed. It is not, repeat not, just a bar.
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